Ever Notice how a distance will some how grow between the hours of 24h00 to 5h00.
Let me elaborate I got a sms (well mms) at 11pm last night which was cunningly pictured in such a manner as to lead me to the promised land, if I undertook the short journey from Johannesburg through to Pretoria East (a mere 65kms). Well let me tell you at 12 at night 65kms is a walk in the park. Packed my passport and some droewors to bribe the clutchie border guards and before you could say “little head thinking for big” I was there. However some time between the hours of 24h00 and 05h00 some farker decided to play a trick on the universe and mess with the time space continuum and moved Pretoria East out by another 200kms.
What the Fuck!!!
I mean getting up at five in the morning is one thing, leaving for work at five thirty is another, but the fact that the road seemed to stretch out into the murky morning for what looked like an extra 200 kms was downright fucking absurd!!!
And while I am on this point: It seemed that there had also been a meeting of Pretoria East residents at one this morning and it was agreed that they to would leave home for Johannesburg at five thirty just to keep me company. Rush hours traffic starting at five, do me a favor somebody had pulled off the most diabolically orchestrated practical joke in the known universe.
I now fully believe the human race is doomed to end their existence on this rocky outcrop not by nuclear annihilation, but by one massive gridlock that is so encompassing that it will cause the planets’ rotation to actually come to a grinding halt and we fall out of the Milky Way.
Extinction by rush hour, who would have believed!!!!
Ps. Too the pratt who has been expanding distances in the wee hours of the morning, please stop it you are pissing the planet off!
Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless Chick?
A: After your date, you can drop her off anywhere.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
New Hunting Grounds
Online dating has always been viewed as the resting place of the unwanted masses.
So it was with a bit of trepidation that I decided to join one of these sites;
10 years of hard labour had ended and I was ready to spread the gospel of me.
But what losers apart myself would inhabit these dark recesses of cyberspace, lying in wait for unsuspecting individuals who ventured to close to their lairs.
Step one: Setup a profile with a few witty comments about yourself and a list of requirements your perfect other should posses.
No tick box for “can suck a golf ball through 20 meters of hosepipe” though.
Step two: Find a picture of yourself that doesn’t scare children and definitely doesn’t have you holding your ex.
Step three: sit back and wait.
Well it was a matter of days and my inbox was full, so much so that I had to go back and make sure I hadn’t posted a pic of Brad Pitt by mistake. Nope there was my average Joe mugg leering back at me “eish looks a bit creepy, I need new pics”.
Was it only bar slags and recovering welconol addicts responding to my invitation too enjoy the company of a run of the mill guy with one or two issues. Well yes mostly, but in amongst the unwashed masses that reeked of desperation and missed opportunities there was a surprisingly large amount of respectable, intelligent women. There was also a smattering of “men”, I use this term loosely and have made a mental note to never post a picture wearing a pink shirt again!!
Back to the beautiful women, there are tonnes of them out there in cyberspace. Yet when I venture out into the real world they disappear into thin air (Except after 2am at a bar, they seem to return).
It has been three months since I first registered on a dating site and I have become a convert. This has got mainly due to the fact I have got lucky on quite a number of occasions and this with the respectable portion of my fan base. Slaggs and addicts are discarded.
Who knows I might even meet my next ex wife online
So it was with a bit of trepidation that I decided to join one of these sites;
10 years of hard labour had ended and I was ready to spread the gospel of me.
But what losers apart myself would inhabit these dark recesses of cyberspace, lying in wait for unsuspecting individuals who ventured to close to their lairs.
Step one: Setup a profile with a few witty comments about yourself and a list of requirements your perfect other should posses.
No tick box for “can suck a golf ball through 20 meters of hosepipe” though.
Step two: Find a picture of yourself that doesn’t scare children and definitely doesn’t have you holding your ex.
Step three: sit back and wait.
Well it was a matter of days and my inbox was full, so much so that I had to go back and make sure I hadn’t posted a pic of Brad Pitt by mistake. Nope there was my average Joe mugg leering back at me “eish looks a bit creepy, I need new pics”.
Was it only bar slags and recovering welconol addicts responding to my invitation too enjoy the company of a run of the mill guy with one or two issues. Well yes mostly, but in amongst the unwashed masses that reeked of desperation and missed opportunities there was a surprisingly large amount of respectable, intelligent women. There was also a smattering of “men”, I use this term loosely and have made a mental note to never post a picture wearing a pink shirt again!!
Back to the beautiful women, there are tonnes of them out there in cyberspace. Yet when I venture out into the real world they disappear into thin air (Except after 2am at a bar, they seem to return).
It has been three months since I first registered on a dating site and I have become a convert. This has got mainly due to the fact I have got lucky on quite a number of occasions and this with the respectable portion of my fan base. Slaggs and addicts are discarded.
Who knows I might even meet my next ex wife online
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Who hid my Bitches
In solidarity with 16 days of activism I felt it was prudent to leave you with this heart warming story.
The place: Randburg Magistrate
The Offence: Wife battering
After viewing a set of particularly disturbing pictures of the battered wife (Black eyes and swollen lip). The magistrate turned to the man and asked "how is it possible that you could do this?"
And the Reply was "superior foot work your Honour"
Now that you have had a good chuckle treat the women in your life with respect, and the next time you ask " why don't I get no bitches?" maybe its because you refer to them as "Bitches"
Be a man and make a donation to POWA
The place: Randburg Magistrate
The Offence: Wife battering
After viewing a set of particularly disturbing pictures of the battered wife (Black eyes and swollen lip). The magistrate turned to the man and asked "how is it possible that you could do this?"
And the Reply was "superior foot work your Honour"
Now that you have had a good chuckle treat the women in your life with respect, and the next time you ask " why don't I get no bitches?" maybe its because you refer to them as "Bitches"
Be a man and make a donation to POWA
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